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Labels: this breakdown eating me alive
I feel like pouring all my feelings in here. I know this is personal but this feeling has been inside me for quite some time and I need a diary to vent what I'm feeling. I realise I still have a blog and here I am.
I always have this feeling that I really hate that I cannot avoid which is feeling insecure about MYSELF. I have try to find a reason on why I feeling this way for quite some time. I have think about it every night.
In the end, I know why. Especially when I'm with him. It's because when I saw other hot girls, it makes me feel not confident of myself. They are the attention of many guys. And when he looked at these girls, it really make me feel insecure although he said many times he only love me.
I once asked him what's in his mind when he looked at girls, he said he compare me and them. In the 1st place why he wants to compare me with them???? Why is there a need for comparison??
It really make me feel sad. I want him to ACCEPT me for who I am, not changing me to become like other girls. Just like the song by Bruno Mars, Just The Way You Are. I really wish he understands...
Am I not beautiful to him anymore? And I feel his expectation on me has become higher.
Come on, this looks are only temporarily given by God. I try to dress and doll myself for him, not anyone else. That's not enough?
I really hope this feeling will ends...I never felt like this before. Maybe because he keeps telling me I'm fat and that makes me feel more insecure.
He thought my definition of insecure is I afraid he goes to other girl but I realise after a long thought, thats not my definition. It about myself NOT him.
Please accept me for who I am if you really love me.
School going to start this Tuesday. The day I have to wear formal. :/
As usual RP always start on odd day, Tuesday instead of Monday. I've seen the modules and who will be my classmate. And ya, there are some friends I knew.
6 more months and I'll be in 3rd year. Can't wait for school to finish. I hope my attachment will be last of 6 months before I graduate so I no need to come to school anymore after that.
Will be going to Pulau Ubin camp in March next year for 2D1N. My friend that has gone said it was very tiring but worth it. So will be looking forward for that. I have never been there before.
About my results, hmm..I glad that it has improved by 0.1 but still I need to work hard if I want my GPA to go up. Tough? Not sure how my next sem modules will be like especially Macroeconomics..
Had finally meet my ITE friends and catch movie together. Eat Pray Love was a good movie, it has good storyline. Best movie to watch with your girlfriends.
One month plus have not been updating my blog. Lazy ar..Now I have spending my time more on Facebook playing games and seeing people pictures.
So anything photos I took, I usually upload them in FB instead of here. Also anything in my mind, I express them in Twitter or FB.
Wondering how's my life now?
Just a normal life with same daily routine. During the YOG period, I worked in banquet in Ritz Carlton hotel. At the same time, attending dance practice, breaking fast with family and dear fiance.
Everytime I woke up, 1st thing I do is open my laptop and FB-ing. Arguing with fiance is a normal thing between couple. As long as 1 of us give in and say sorry sincerely, it'll be ok.
Went out with fiance going Geylang and Night Safari. Ate at Secret Recipe. Its great spending time with him. The best part was when we joke around. We have the same thinking entertaining each other's jokes. Maybe that's why we can get along well.
Since its school holiday, I have been sleeping late every night. What do I do? Not studying but watching anime and movies online as usual. Hehe. I know this break, we should be studying but I'm the type who study last minute.
Even just now, I only study for a few hours. After a while I cannot absorb what I study in my mind, I straight away open my internet and surf.
Its Microeconomics, the module that I really weak at and feel like giving up. The test starts on this coming Monday. Hari Raya is around the corner too, and preparation for it is not done yet especially spring cleaning my house.
Having tests and Hari Raya at the same time are really wrong timing.
Been thinking of buying lenses but my money has spent on paying for dentist visit last Thursday. :(
To finish this off, I would like to wish all Muslim Selamat Hari Raya in advance. And to those whose test is around the corner, good luck! Take care peeps.
Participated in the Samsung Human Torch event at Clarke Quay last Friday 23 July. Basically what we have to do there were to form a big torch at the open field. There were 2010 students and the ligthing started at 2010 hours.
There were blue, yellow and orange colour T-shirt. I was in orange t-shirt which means I'm part of the fire.
The mini torch that were given are cute. I gave it to my brother and he kept playing with the light.
Today my class has started to sell Adidas items. So I think I'll not bringing my laptop because today is only doing sales.
Just came back home from dance practice at school. Body aching all over. I was honoured for being chosen to dance in front of a painting interpret what the painting means by movement. Besides than me, there are 3 other dancers who were chosen. There are 4 paintings, 4 of us dance in front of each painting respectively.
We'll be dancing in front of public, 1 person to 1200 people. Wow! Ok, I'll be very nervous. And yup, we have to work very closely with teacher so the stress is there because teacher will push us to do the steps correctly. Oh no.
Dharma(our malay dance group name) have to prepare for the next performance which will be in October. It is called Muse, it opens to all dance IG(interest group) in RP.
I should have join Malay Dance in my year 1 rather than Modern Dance. I'll be performing a lot of dances if I join in year 1. I realise that I fit more to Malay Dance.
So I have to give FULL commitment in dance since they are strict in attendance.
